Christmas in Nether Sodbury

Christmas in Nether Sodbury

In Tesco, Christmas starts some time in September and seems to go on forever. The Christmas decorations start going up in Nether Sodbury at some point in November. The Mander family were traditionalists and only celebrated Christmas at Christmas. It is a time of games, presents and family rows.

In fact, the games frequently ignited the family rows.

"Simon has been stealing from the bank. He's always doing that," said Graham.

"Now, Graham, you must give your younger brother a bit of leeway," said Mrs Polly Mander.

From this, you might not have gathered that all of the children were in their twenties and perhaps Polly hadn't caught up with this development.

Graham's sister, Sally, probably didn't help matters by giving him a clip round the ear.

"Did you see that? Did you see that?"

Polly was sick and tired of "seeing that" and decided to ignore the suggestion.

There was then an extended inquest into who had cheated more often and what a stupid game it was anyway.

The game of Monopoly was still not completed by the time the children gave up and went to bed.

"Merry Christmas," can sound like a curse sometimes and on this occasion, it did.

On the morrow, they found that the presents under the tree had vanished. "The Grinch" was dismissed as a puerile suggestion from Simon. The lock on the front door was never very good and the door had been forced open.

"Well, at least they didn't steal the booze," Mr Mander senior said.

Then he found out that they had and he was inconsolable until Simon went to fetch the bottle of vodka he kept in his car boot "for emergencies."

The Party Bus is a tradition of Nether Sodbury Christmases. If Simon had not indulged in emergency Stolichnaya he would probably have never considered it. The bus very seldom arrived at any party because the passengers and driver had been partying quite hard already. There was little traffic on the roads which was fortunate because the driving was fairly erratic.

He left the family with the rest of the vodka and took the last seat on the bus, which he had summoned using an app on his phone.

He got chatting with the person next to him, whose name was Chas apparently.

After a while, Simon took out a tablet from his waistcoat pocket and was about to take it when young Chas decided to take it from him.

Simon was very annoyed.

"It's poison," he said.

Chas laughed but very soon he was feeling distinctly unwell.

"I've been poisoned!"

"Who poisoned you?" Simon asked.

"You did!"

"You took a tablet intended for me. You poisoned yourself."

There was a debate about whether to call the police or an ambulance. In the end, one passenger decided on one option and another on the other.

Constable Clare Turner had experienced the party bus before but she had never had a poisoning to deal with. Twelve drunks were a lot to deal with but never underestimate Clare.

She ordered them out of the bus and took custody of the keys.

Suddenly, it became apparent to everybody that the tablet Chas had taken was in fact a very powerful laxative. Simon always carried it "just in case".

Clare had the presence of mind to use the key to open the boot.

There, in all their wrappings, were the presents of the Mander family. They had to be held in evidence for a good six months because everybody on the party bus blamed someone else for the theft. Even Simon was not immune.

In the end, the Scoresdale police force decided it was not possible to decide who had carried out the theft and the Mander family might as well have their property back.

"Chas has been punished enough" was the enigmatic conclusion of a laughing Simon Mander.

The End

Derek McMillan is the editor of #worthingflash. It is the best job in the world. People send me fascinating stories all the time. If you want to know more about Nether Sodbury, you might try  The Pernicious Snood