Magic Else

It started out with card tricks.

"Pick a card, any card."

Else could tell you which card you had in your hand. She could tell you if she was wearing a blindfold.

"How did you do that, Else?"

"It's a kind of magic," she would say.

She also dabbled in herbs but this was mainly for cooking.

Our vicar's name was Green and he was sick to death of jokes about Cluedo. Then one Friday morning Else, who was his cleaner, found his body in the library.

There was no sign of injury apparent on the body of Rev Green and Else was not aware of any health problems. He was young (well, fifty) and he regularly exercised.

Before calling the police, Else reached out with her feelings to people in the village and used the force, or something, to produce a list of suspects.

The first was the landlord's son, Tommy. Tommy was always asking Else for something or another. She had an inkling about what he was after. Tommy suspected the unmarried vicar had too close a relationship with Else.

For the sake of completeness she also included her girlfriend Sec. Her full name was Sequoia which Else could not spell.

So much for motive.

If poison was the weapon then Mr Chalmer, the pharmacist, was one of the few who had easy access.

PC Gold was the representative of the law in the village and naturally he had never had a murder to deal with before. The regional crime squad was summoned and Else was taken in for questioning.

Many eyes in the village saw her taken in and there was much nodding of heads.

Bill, George and Andy had the snug to themselves when they discussed the matter.

"She were always making potions in that kitchen of hers. Perhaps she done him in," said Bill.

"Perhaps she was trying to make a love potion for the vicar so he'd fall for her and it went wrong and he died. That's what I think," Andy concluded.

The others nodded sagely.

PC Gold found he was in demand as a source of knowledge. What he didn't know he could always make up.

"You see the drug that killed the vicar could be found in the garden or growing wild in the woods. Deadly nightshade, they calls it."

"Somebody had run the vicar's dishwasher with all the plates and cups that might have had traces of poison. A cleaner's job that."

"Do you mean..."

PC Gold just nodded.

A thorough search of Else's kitchen and garden failed to turn up a trace of deadly nightshade so she was released for lack of evidence after forty eight hours of questioning.

They stopped serving her in the village shop, she was shunned in the streets and the neighbours sent her to Coventry.

Sec still visited.

"An accomplice perhaps?" was the view in the local.

Then Tommy arrived unexpectedly. Else paid the rent by standing order so he had no need to call.

"Sorry you are having such a hard time. Anything I can do to help?" he asked.

"Hello. Tommy," said Sec.

"Oh, hello Sequoia, I didn't realise that you were here."

Sec smiled and asked, "By the way, how well did you know the Reverend Green?"

"Old Cluedo, you mean? I have known him all my short life. I suppose there is no chance he took the old deadly whatsit by mistake is there?"

Both women shook their heads.

"It is not something you could do by accident."

Tommy continued, "I get to hear the gossip locally. I heard Mrs Bird saying that you were the vicar's cleaner and she used air quotes like this when she did."

Tommy demonstrated.

They settled down to a cup of tea.

"Of course," Sec said, "he might have taken it deliberately."

"And then put on the dishwasher?" asked Tommy.

"Ah but it doesn't work immediately, I Googled it," said Sec.

"Of course," Tommy said to nobody in particular, "the old pharmacist, Mr Charmer, would have had all the atropine he could need."

"Surely he would have to account for it? It is a registered poison." Else observed.

Sec had googled this too. Atropine can be purchased online, it seems.

...

Soon the village had another matter to discuss.

Mr Chalmers had always been a contented bachelor as far as they knew so the news that he was going to wed a young lady from out of the village was the subject of many discussions.

The Reverend Jenkins arrived three months later and his first job was to wed Mr Chalmers and "that poor girl" as the village was calling her.

“If anyone can show just cause why they may not be lawfully wed," the new vicar began.

"Yes I'm married to the bastard!" was the interruption from an angry woman in the back row.

Then the police found Sec guilty of possession of drugs.

She was asked where she had got them. She lied.

"I got them from the chemist."

Actually she bought them online.

The police searched the chemist's premises and his flat above the shop.

They found nothing. They took his laptop and there was nothing on it of any interest.

The people called "boffins" were given the laptop without any expectation that they would find anything.

"Inspector, we have the pharmacist's search history."

They then had to explain what a search history was.

The pharmacist had been searching for atropine online.

Police research found the Rev Green had married Mr Chalmers when he went by the name of Wilson in the 1950s.

He cracked under questioning and was sentenced to life imprisonment.

Else was allowed back into the local shop but she had found that buying from the Co-op online was cheaper anyway.

Bill, George and Andy still met in the snug.

"It were witchcraft," said Bill.

"Wicked witchcraft," said George.

They shook their heads and then nodded.

It was Andy's round.

The end

A longer version of this story appears in Flash Fiction by Derek and Angela McMillan.

Click here

Grammarly did not like any of the non-standard English which I used to establish character. And I do not like the smug little Grammarly AI  bot. Copy and paste any speech from Shakespeare and "Grammarly" will tell you that Shakespeare is wrong.