Rudolph the Red Nosed Rogue



‘Rudolph. You’ve swilled booze in most households and in every country between here and home. It’s no surprise that you’re tagged as Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. You’re weaving all over the place and the reins are tangled again. Thanks to you, we’re well behind schedule and you know that I hate rushing the job. God knows how you slip the reins every time we stop.’
Santa didn’t function well when stressed. It gave him indigestion which made him irritable. He lobbed a present towards the umpteenth millionth Christmas tree and cringed as it hit the chimney wall breaking the contents. ‘Now look what you made me do, you drunken antlered cervine.’ 
‘Look here, Claus,’ Rudolph stamped a hoof, ‘for 364 days a year I live in freezing conditions and work outrageously long hours fetching materials required to make presents or shunting the finished articles to the warehouse. The power-happy elves are a pain in my rectum with their rules and regulations. I don’t get holidays and you feed me only once a day, at a time when I’m too knackered to appreciate my food. This is my annual indulgence and I’m still damned well working. So, I get drunk. Live with it. Frankly, I bloody well earned it.’
Santa stomped across a beautiful beige deep-pile carpet, leaving sooty prints in his wake and vented his anger by kicking a comatose cat. Placing the confiscated whisky on a table, he shunted his staggering reindeer back outside, ignoring the spitting, indignant kitty. Rudolph’s rein mates shook their heads in disgust while watching Santa untangle the reins. ‘Get back onto your harness, Rudolph. It’s nearly dawn.’ 
‘I’m busy.’ Rudolph grunted.
‘Rudolph!’ This is somebody’s flower bed. ‘How could you?’ Santa buried his nose into his thick white beard and held his breath.
Rudolph took his time.  Finally he backed into his harness and leaped unsteadily into the air, causing several beautifully wrapped packets to tumble onto the copious steaming pile he’d just deposited.
‘I used to love this job,’ Santa muttered, munching on an indigestion tablet.
By Lesley Anne Truchet



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