Evil Empire

It started in a dream. I dreamt that I had downloaded a trending game "Evil Empire". It had already spawned two lookalikes, "Vile Empire" and the satirical "Live Empire". For good measure, I downloaded them too.

When I woke up I found that my phone had downloaded "Evil Empire" all by itself. These smartphones really are smart. Then I tried to turn to other apps. It wouldn't let me. I swiped up, down and sideways to no avail.

Then I tried to reset the phone. It had disabled that too. I could not switch it off and I couldn't turn the volume down although the music was really annoying.

I turned on the radio. Radio Four reported,

"Britain has been the victim of an unprecedented cyber attack. It is reported that mobile phones have been incapacitated by a video game called..."

And there it stopped and the "Evil Empire" music started to play. I tried to turn the radio off. It wouldn't turn off. So I tried another station. One or two were still working normally for a few minutes before the accursed music started up. I unplugged the radio.

The same was true of the TV. The game seemed to be playing with itself so to speak and the screen switched between levels and screens giving the score and all the time the hideous music. It must have been designed to addle the mind.

I persuaded the family to deposit their mobile phones in our bedroom. It takes a hammer and chisel to remove the battery so I decided to let it run down. The music was still audible but that could have been from old Frank next door who had told me his phone had done the same as mine. It was the first time I had talked to old Frank in many years.

Around the kitchen table, we were all at a loose end and had to engage in what the old timers called "polite conversation". It was a strain I can tell you. The children did not know what to do with their hands when there were no phones to play with.

I had to get my news from an old-fashioned newspaper. It was like going back to the 1950s except in the 1950s we had the Light Programme.

It took a few weeks, but in the end, we adjusted. We started talking to people instead of texting them. We buried the smartphones in the garden, as did all our neighbours.

The "Evil Empire" cyber attack had actually made the world a better place.

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