Headless Cat Horror

Police and the RSPCA were summoned to the scene of a dramatic and grisly find yesterday morning in Howdon. The body of a decapitated cat was found in a field next to St Pauls Road. After an examination of the remains the animal was pronounced dead. A name tag on its collar contained the name Richard but gave no address. The killer’s identity and motive is unknown.

The Wallsend Advertiser has contacted local residents for comment.

Mr L. Platt of Number 32 said it was almost certainly a revenge killing. The cat was forever marking its territory on peoples fences and walls and digging up their flowers. He’d caught it more than once eyeing his petunias.

Controversialy another resident who wishes to remain anonymous said the cat belonged to Mrs Braddock of number 27 and was the woman’s familiar and was used by her to cast murrains on her neighbours. When contacted for comment Mrs Braddock said she had never had a cat, familiar or unfamiliar.

Mr Ian Smith, a local historian and author who lives at number 18 suspects something even more sinister. He thinks the murder may have been inspired by the notorious sorcerer Aleister Crowley. To disprove the notion that a cat has nine lives Crowley once abducted one and cut its throat, poisoned it, chloroformed it, gassed it, stabbed it, smashed it’s skull in, set it on fire and threw it from a high window. Mr Smith said somebody might have started a similar experiment in imitation of Crowly but been surprised and scared off at an early stage in the proceedings.

Theories also abound on social media. Some claim the cat was killed by a catnapper when he wasn’t payed the ransom he demanded. Others think the pet was trying to protect its owner during an alien abduction.

The most widespread and popular explanation is that ISIS was responsible for the beheading which was carried out because the cat was seen as having been provocatively named Richard, and St Pauls’ Road was selected for the assassination because of its Christian connection, and two weeks ago a bearded man of middle Eastern appearance was seen loitering not far from St Paul’s Road.

In a sensational recent development reports have emerged of a video of the execution on the Dark Web and several muslim men have been assaulted in the area and a nearby mosque has been set on fire.

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by Paul Murgatroyd