No Easy Way

I glanced across the bed; Angie was still sleeping. I sighed I knew I would need to tell her very soon and there was no easy way. I had been putting it off for a couple of weeks and I could not go on this way; it was simply unfair on her. I had gradually come to realise that I did not want to marry her. I suppose we had not specifically agreed and I had not proposed to her, but I felt sure there was that understanding that we had reached that stage. I suppose I had been foolish, some might say selfish, but she had been my first lover. I had been nervous at my first real sexual encounter, but she had been so kind, patient and loving with me. Now after all this I was intending to thank her by easing her out of my life. I hoped it would at least be of some consolation that there was no one else involved and that I was not treating our relationship as part of my sexual learning curve before moving on.

We met through mutual friends and I had walked her home. I cautiously asked if I could see her again and I was surprised when she agreed immediately. I had expected the usual and all too familiar awkward hesitation, the gentle excuses and trying so hard not to hurt my feelings when the clear message was one of rejection and please don’t ask again. We duly met up a couple of days later and had a walk by the sea followed by a meal out. This pattern continued for next twice, I suppose to me we were like two friends socialising and no more; certainly, I never tried to hold her hand, I was far too shy for that. Then on our third date, back at my place and after a few glasses of wine, to my shock and surprise, I became her lover. The next day during my uneasy morning after mug of tea she made it clear that she wanted to see me again. It was a relief; I was worried in case I had simply been befriended before an alcohol- fuelled, one night stand and that was how it started. I was carried away by the sheer joy of that first love and the feeling that it would last forever; life was good. And so it was for several weeks and then something happened, something changed which crept up on me almost unnoticed. Somehow, we lacked that crucial empathy and that meeting of minds that a long-term relationship demands. I knew she could never be my soul-mate. She would only be my lover as if we were conducting some illicit affair and all the attendant thrills that entailed. Sadly I realised I didn’t love her but was merely fond of her and it would never be any more than that. I wished more than anything in the world that this was not the case but it was, and there was nothing I could do to change it.

I got up and made some tea. Then I heard Angie coming down the stairs; the time had come. I knew I would hate myself; she deserved better than me.