The Opening

I looked at the opening I had created a few moments ago. It had caused me pain and sadness but it had also taken determination simply to carry out my decision. There was no going back. I felt there was no other option. Truly I was not sure how it got that far in the first place. I was only in my twenties, where had it all gone wrong? When had this feeling which permeates my life started weighing on me like a boulder? What had led me to this momentum day?

I thought back to a younger me, at 9 years old. Finding out that the hero I worshipped and had put on a pedestal had fallen from it with a big bang. My dad, my hero! Well, how would I know at 9 years old what having a nervous breakdown means? What did I know about mental health? I just could not believe that this man, in my eyes always tall, strong and whom I loved, was the same as this whimpering, crouched up, crying man, rocking in a chair. This man who had fathered 3 children was now a child himself, unexpectedly requiring more care and attention than his own children. What were the demons that had brought him to his knees? What had hurt him so badly? I should have asked myself these questions but I did not know. 

How I regret the ignorance and intolerance of youth which leads to judging and finding people lacking? Of course, in my eyes, as my parent, he should have been infallible and he was supposed to be there for me. That is all I knew then…

Is this the reason for this opening today? Can I really blame it all on him or was this overwhelming inability to deal with life’s ups and downs, a blow to him too? Was the deep wound in his soul a result of growing up without a mother? Or because his father had abandoned him along the way when he married a woman the same age as his own son? 

What is the point of speculating? He had his own reasons and I may never know them.

Right now I can’t fully understand why I am where I am. I am feeling cold. I need to take my mind off the pain, not the physical pain. That was short-lived. But of the pain at the core of me, the pain in my soul which led me here today. I have a while longer, so I dig deep in the recess of my troubled mind to find happy memories to carry with me. How can I be looking for happy moments at this particular time? Maybe I still can’t quite believe that it has come? 

Everyone around me said my future is ahead of me. That is true. It’s just that their idea of my future is different than my own. Strangely, I am looking forward to the one I planned for myself. Today, here, this opening is the first step. Yes, I am a bit sad and puzzled but I know what awaits me and I am pleased. My father already knows where I am going. He is expecting me there.

For now, I remember happier times, dancing away in the lounge with him when I was young. Learning the tango and the waltz to music we both loved so much. The fact I am now a fine dancer is thanks to him. He loved dancing and I have carried that same love with me all my life. I am not sure how, but suddenly I see myself dancing my favourite waltz with him. I can hear the music in my head and feel love in my heart. I start humming…. I feel warmer and lighter. I know that this is the right moment.

I take the knife resting by my side and I look at the cut on my left wrist, seeing the life force already seeping out of it slowly, the blood a vibrant red. Then I make a deeper opening on the right wrist. I know I will be with him soon and the world will feel light and loving!

" Régine Demuynck originally from France, has a passion for the word and has written several poems and flash fiction. She is a linguist, a language teacher and lives in West Sussex.

Régine, who writes under the name of Andrée Roby, published her first novella called "Double Vision" in January 2019. It was voted "Book of the month for April 2019" by the publisher Tredition. It is a very good detective story. She is currently writing a sequel called "Failed Vision".